I Scared Stephen King

True story, swear to God:

Back in 1993 or '94, I had a glamorous, fast-paced career as a gas station assistant manager in Little America, Wyoming. One day, I read in USA Today that author Stephen King was going on a motorcycle book tour across the country. "Hm," I mumbled, the word fraught with foreshadowing.

One week later I'm behind the marble counter-top of the checkout (it was actually a really nice gas station. It was part of a whole complex including a diesel gas station for trucks, a restaurant and hotel. It was all run by Mormons who were amazingly polite and who put me in charge of the place from day one because I also was polite, as well as white and male). I look out of the large bay window, see a guy filling up his cycle and know right away it's him.

I start panicking. Should I ask for his autograph? Should I tell him how much I enjoyed The Stand? Now he's walking up to the door. Finally, without any idea what I'm going to do, I spread my hands on the counter-top and look down.

Stephen King steps up to the counter. I'm still keeping my eyes down, but facing him, not making eye contact. The moment stretches out... finally I lift my head very slowly, look deadly-serious and say in my deepest, most Lurch-like voice:

"We've been expecting you."

He shit. His eyes flew wide and he took a step back from the counter. "Whaaat??" I will remember that face as long as I live. I was actually worried about him for a second, wondering if I'd have to call the paramedics.

Then my entire demeanor changed, and I put the most nonchalant, bored, gas station-drone look on my face and gestured lazily back over my shoulder at his bike. "Yeah, you owe $5.95 for gas."

He took a hesitant step toward the counter and began pawing money out, laying it on the counter. I gave him his change and finished with a kind tone, "I really enjoy your work, by the way." King nodded absently, giving me a concerned sidelong glance as he walked away toward the restaurant. I later heard from the restaurant waitresses that he was nice enough, but a bit distracted for some reason. He didn't eat much and left quickly.

I want to apologize to Mr. King for scaring him. He didn't need some guy to just randomly freak him out like that, and I hope it didn't sour him on gas stations, motorcycle book tours or Mormons.

That being said... Stephen King has made a mammoth pile of cash frightening the hell out of us for thirty years. He's been the inspiration for more nightmares around the world than Joan Rivers' face. He's the king of horror, and I put The Fear into him, if only for a few seconds. Whatever else I do, I know I have not lived in vain. After I die, my tombstone shall read:

MICHAEL MCGOVERN

HUSBAND, FATHER, WAR CRIMINAL, EMPEROR OF THE MULTIVERSE

1970-3092

HE SCARED STEPHEN KING

Word For Word, The Fairy Tale I Told My 5-Month Old Daughter This Morning

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Princess.

The Princess lived in a huge castle, and she rode a gorgeous white pony. With wings! So it was actually a Pegasus, which is better than a horse, er, pony.

One day, the Princess met a handsome young Prince. Or maybe she didn't. Daddy's not entirely sure how he feels about that. Alright, she did. He was androgynous and non-threatening and very, very rich. The Prince married the beautiful Princess. Then the Prince gave the King (the Princess' father) a brand-new, even bigger castle. And a carriage that went Turbo, and better crown jewels.

The Princess lived happily ever after. Not that it was that rough for her before that, what with the castle and the awesome dad the King. Not to mention she had a freakin' Pegasus.

The End



Those were the actual words that came out of my mouth this morning while getting my daughter dressed. I only ask that this post not be admissible in the inevitable child services hearings.

Replacing Joss Whedon

Joss Whedon is out as writer and director of the new Wonder Woman movie. What did he know about writing strong women, anyway? Do not question Hollywood! Hollywood is busy audience-testing and focus-grouping Dukes of Hazzard 2: Maybe Jessica Simpson Gets Naked, plus there's the marketing tie-in's to consider, so leave Hollywood alone. Instead, let's do our part to assist in finding the next director of Wonder Woman, the Movie:














Quentin Tarantino

Pros: Arterial spray.

Cons: Movie poster warning label: Caution! This film may contain acting by Quentin Tarantino.

Cast as Wonder Woman: Pam Grier, sucka!

The Movie: Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman II, Wonder Woman III and Wonder Woman IV, The Quest for Peace actually all just one movie chopped up. Wonder Woman III is nothing but Wonder Woman and Cheetah talking in a Chinese Restaurant for four hours.


James Cameron

Pros: Killer Robots from the future could actually work in a Wonder Woman story. Aw, who am I kidding, they work in any story!

Cons: Spends seven years and a quarter of a billion dollars painstakingly reconstructing the Invisible Jet.

Cast as Wonder Woman: How much do I still owe Linda Hamilton in alimony? Grrr... call her.

The Movie: I'm Queen of the world!!!


Uwe Boll

Pros: Final cost to produce? Forty-seven dollars, twenty-five cents.

Cons: Credits include House of the Dead, Bloodrayne and Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Cast as Wonder Woman: The very next person he sees. It could be you!

The Movie: What's happening? Is that a microphone hanging down from the top of the screen? Who are- why are they- this makes no... what the fuc- The End. Roll typo-ridden credits.


Francis Ford Coppola

Pros: Steve Trevor rides the rivers of Paradise Island straight to the heart of darkness. His mission: to terminate with extreme prejudice a mad Queen Hippolyta. The horror...

Cons: Keanu Reeves may attempt a British accent.

Cast as Wonder Woman: After an exhaustive world-wide search, Coppola finds the perfect actress to portray Wonder Woman: his own lovely daughter, Sophia! Isn't she precious? Sit down and look at these baby pictures.

The Movie: Leave the tiara. Take the cannoli.


Spike Lee

Pros: The Right Thing involves punching people in the face.

Cons: Wonder Woman's bracelets, tiara and golden lasso may be referred to at some point as "bling".

Cast as Wonder Woman: Angela Bassett. Denzel as Steve Trevor. Holy crap, that could actually work. I'm calling Hollywood with this right now. "Hello, Hollywood? I've got an idea for a big-budget, all-black..." Hm, must have got disconnected.

The Movie: A message about black people will be told. But will we listen? Will we, really?*














Woody Allen

Pros: We'll all feel a little smarter after having seen it, but we won't actually be any smarter.

Cons: Film will gross forty-seven dollars, twenty-five cents.

Cast as Wonder Woman: Mia Farrow has been in almost a dozen Woody Allen movies. Soon-Yi: zero. Don't think that's not coming up at the dinner table around casting time. Also, Woody envisions Air Force Colonel, war hero and ace pilot Steve Trevor as more of an elderly, nebbishy man.

The Movie: An existentialist exercise worth bringing the whole family for, if the whole family is well-educated, Jewish, raised in Brooklyn and collecting social security. Should be easy on the ears as the action film will be entirely devoid of explosions, or action.


Steven Spielberg

Pros: If you want to set it in World War II, the director search is officially over.

Cons: We don't see Ares, the God of War and Diana's arch-nemesis until the last ten minutes of the film. Until then, we just hear scary music whenever he's nearby.

Cast as Wonder Woman: In all of Spielberg's films, only once has he made a woman the main character. He'll probably go back and cast her in this as well. Whoopie will look fab in that bustier, I'm sure.

The Movie: Glorious happy ending. That character who died poignantly in the second half of the film? He's not really dead at all! He's actually alive for no reason! Yay! And adorable puppies!














David Lynch

Pros: Two or three images or scenes in the film will shake you to the core. You'll leave the cinema jittery, unsure of reality and in desperate need of a stiff drink. Wait, should this be a con?

Cons: Wonder Woman chain-smokes.

Cast as Wonder Woman: Laura Dern. The only Wonder Woman in the history of the imagination that cannot be effectively masturbated to.

The Movie: Is this a dream? No, wait, this part is actually happening. Or maybe it's a dream. Wait, does that character really even exist? So she's going insane? Or she's always been insane, but she's dead and dreaming of this from the afterlife? Are there two Wonder Women? My head hurts.


John Woo

Pros: John Woo was one of the very best directors in Hong Kong.

Cons: John Woo isn't in Hong Kong anymore. Plus, Cheetah... you're wearing my face!!!

Cast as Wonder Woman: Who's hot? I mean it, who is the hottest of the hot right now in Hollywood? Her? She was hot five minutes ago. I'm not exaggerating, five minutes ago she was the hottest, now, she's not. Hot, heat, hot! Find her! Go! And cast as Steve Trevor: (please say Chow Yun-Fat, please say Chow Yun-Fat, please say Chow Yun-Fat) John Travolta. (argh)

The Movie: Wonder Woman jumps through a flaming doorway in slow-motion, shooting two guns at the same time while doves flap through the air in front of her.


Nora Ephron

Pros: Tom Hanks might show up. Then again, he might still be wearing that mullet from The Da Vinci Code.

Cons: Actual title: Wonder Woman, Brought to You by Massengill. May induce cuddling.

Cast as Wonder Woman: Meg Ryan. The world's collagen, Botox and silicone supplies take a hit from which they may never recover.

The Movie: OMG, WW and Steve are never going to get over their differences and realize they're soulmates! That Rosie O'Donnell is so funny as Wonder Woman's best friend. No, no, no Ares is just not right for you, Diana, don't you see that? Aww, they're kissing on the top of Paradise Island. It's so sweet. Pass the Kleenex? i wuv u.


Well, that's the complete list**. Hollywood owes us a debt of gratitude it will never repay barring legal action. In the meantime, Joss Whedon can go back to doing what he does best: being a handmade idol on my mantle that I pray to hourly.



Footnotes:

*I'm sorry, were you saying something? Kinda nodded off there.

**The Oliver Stone jokes were just too obvious, and I'd roughed up George Lucas enough in the last post.

Nostalgia Wars!

If two beloved groups of characters fought, who would win? That question gets asked roughly billions of times a second on this very Internet. Well today, we at Life's Tough, But It's Fair present Nostalgia Wars! This is computer-simulated, hardcore, real-world combat between characters we love. Why? This is the Internet. I thought we went over this.

Now on to our inaugural edition of Nostalgia Wars! For our first battle royale, it's:

Star Wars vs. Peanuts

Luke Skywalker vs. Charlie Brown - Being from Wisconsin, I'm uniquely qualified to judge this first battle of the Nostalgia Wars. I'm the perfect arbitrator because I've got plenty of cheese for that whine! Good God, these two make Eeyore look like Katie Couric. Chuck's signature call is "Good Grief", while Luke cries big tears when you do something trivial like tell him his father is the devil and cut off his hand. Suck it up, weepy. Luke can use The Force, which is always a plus, but something tells me Charlie Brown has a shot in this one. I mean, he might really be able to win this thing! Charlie's running at Luke, running... running... he's gonna get him! He's- EEEAAARRRGHHH!!! And Lucy pulls the football away at the last minute. Come on, Luke may be an incestuous chump, but Charlie Brown is the ultimate loser. Winner: Luke

Han Solo vs. Linus - This is without question the closest battle in The Nostalgia Wars. Han is smooth, cool, fun, handsome and cocky. He's what every guy wants to be. Linus is sweet, wise, sensitive and even knows the true meaning of Christmas. Seriously, if you don't have love in your heart for Linus, please die soon by choking on your own vomit. The characters have plenty of differences, but there is at least one big similarity; take a closer look, namely at their gear. Han's blaster and Linus' blanket are really one and the same! Think about it, Han carries around the blaster essentially to make himself feel safe and is ridiculed for it by his friends (clumsy and random and all that). He kills Greedo, but that was at point blank range after Greedo shot first (ow). Sure, he wastes some Stormtroopers with it, but some two foot high teddy bears murdered Stormtroopers with a few thrown rocks in Return of the Jedi, so that hardly counts. The fact is, it's utterly useless against the important enemies they're up against (Darth and The Emperor). Yes, Han's blaster is actually his security blanket, and... and... dammit, I'm just stalling. I don't want to hurt poor Linus. I love the little guy so much. Please, Han... be gentle... Winner: Han Solo. And I die a little inside.

Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Spike - Both are unshaven, dusty, live in the desert and never get laid. Spike's defining move was getting Lucy (Lucy!) to find pity for him in her barren wasteland of a heart and nurse him back to health. That's ultimate power right there, broham. Obi Wan's defining move was getting cut in half with a light saber. Nice one. If you strike me down I'll become more ethereal, preachy and annoying than you can possibly imagine, and I can imagine quite a bit. Winner: Spike


Princess Leia vs. Sally - Both hanker after their brothers' best friends, but that's where the similarity ends. Leia is spunky, sassy and handy with a blaster, but let's cut to the chase and end this with three words: slave girl outfit. Game over. Winner: Leia


Chewbacca vs. Snoopy - The ultimate animal sidekicks go head to head! This is what it's all about right here. Let's break it down. Here's what they've got going for them:

Snoopy:
-Flying doghouse with mounted machine guns. Now that's a dog's best friend
-Frequent naps
-Greatest dancer of all time
-Ambivalence to his master. He really only grudgingly tolerates Charlie Brown, and frankly I think if you took food out of the equation he'd just move his doghouse over to Linus' place and be done with it
-Joe Cool. Spectacular nickname bonus points right there

Chewie:
-Bowcaster: Crossbow that shoots lasers. Based on its name, it should really shoot bows, but that wouldn't be effective (except against Stormtroopers, who can be killed by anything up to and including a stiff breeze). It shoots blaster bolts just like everything else, so why does it have those bow things on the front? There's not a bow string between them... the weapon frankly makes zero sense. It shouldn't work, it's misnamed and it's ill-conceived... except for the fact that it's a freakin' crossbow that shoots lasers!! Wooo!!!
-Raps (as seen in earlier photo)
-Awesome bandolier thingie he never does anything with
-An unshakable bond with his bestest pal, Han
-Everything he says sounds just like Arnold Schwarzenegger gargling. Try it at home!

Pretty close, but bottom line, beagles don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that. I suggest a new strategy, Snoopy: let the Wookiee win. Winner: Chewbacca

Darth Vader vs. Lucy - One is the personification of absolute Evil. The other is Darth Vader. Winner: Lucy


R2D2 vs. Woodstock - R2D2 communicates via bleeps and bloops, while Woodstock's language is made up of hash marks. Not being able to understand what they're saying only makes it seem like they know more than they actually do, just like with whales, or women. Woodstock's got backup; there's a horde of those little yellow buggers out there waiting to swarm over you like adorable little locusts. But R2D2 is the James Bond of Robots. He can crack any lock, he's money with the ladies (plunging his little metal rod into every computer he can find, the suave devil. Afterwards the computers invariably flip sides and do whatever he wants), he's got electro-stunners, jet-boots... a long time ago in a galaxy far far away they spelled 007 R-2-D-2. Winner: R2D2

C3Po vs. Marcie - Awkward, irritating, bespectacled, and openly embracing alternative lifestyles. Yes, I'm describing both of them. If Marcie got her head cut off, at least she wouldn't make lame puns about it. Winner: Marcie








The Emperor vs. The Adults - At the end of Empire Strikes Back, I thought the Emperor was spectacularly impressive. In that film, he's a shadowy figure you can never quite get a clear gander at who pops in for a couple of minutes just to boss Darth Vader around. When my friends and I talked about the Emperor after that, it was always in hushed, reverential tones. Then Return of the Jedi came, and Lucas fully presented the Emperor as a sneering, two-dimensional caricature that only lacked a long, ridiculous mustache to twirl. I hear in an early draft of the screenplay there was a scene where he tied Princess Leia to some railroad tracks. Lesson: What you don't see can be made far more emotionally powerful by your imagination. Should have taken some notes during "Jaws", George. Meanwhile, Schultz gets it oh so right by never allowing the paying customers to see or even hear The Adults. Use your hate, Emperor! Fight back! Use your- on second thought, don't bother. Winner: The Adults

Lando Calrissian vs. Franklin- Perhaps the most uneven battle on the board. Lando hustles, bustles, blasts, shucks, jives and connives his way into our hearts, while Franklin does... something, I guess. Whatever he does, he does very quietly. Silently, even. Token Franklin taught the culturally unenlightened that even black people can be boring. Lando taught us that Colt .45 works every time. That's right, Franklin, this deal gets worse all the time. Winner: It's a Lando Landslide

Yoda vs. Peppermint Patty - Grizzled veterans, perhaps a little jaded and more than a little gender challenged. Patty is Marcie's mentor and Yoda obviously enjoys playing the Mr. Miyagi to Luke's Karate Kid, but who has more impact on the lives of their proteges? Luke learns The Force and all, but Yoda never taught him the hidden passion of sweet, forbidden lust like Patty did with Marcie. Or... did he? Oh, the image, get it out of my head! Yoda, get off of Luke! Get off!! Ugh. What happens in the swamp stays in the swamp, my young Padawan. Easy being green, it isn't. Lose, you will. : Winner: Peppermint Patty

Sandperson vs. Pigpen - Trick Question! Pigpen is a Sandperson.



Max Rebo (Jabba the Hutt's piano player) vs. Schroeder - Have you seen Max's hands up close? It's like he's trying to tickle the ivories with a plate of sausages. Meanwhile, Schroeder has been deftly coaxing masterpieces from his tiny, tinny piano since before he could walk. No comparison, the winner here is... no, wait a minute, we're talking about music, which means the least important thing in this battle is the actual music. Here in the Video Age (where the video is the most important thing about a band, yet no one ever actually sees the video) it all comes down to one thing: The Groupies. Max has scantily clad Twilek dancers shaking their money-makers (meaning, of course, those floppy, revolting grandma-boobs sprouting out of the sides of their heads) and occasionally getting gnawed on by rancor monsters. Talk about a crowd pleaser! On the other side, Schroeder has... Lucy. Ouch. It's the ultimate victory of style over substance. Roll over, Beethoven! Winner: Max Rebo

Young Anakin Skywalker vs. Rerun Van Pelt - Baby Rerun is the only Peanuts character who can actually get one over on Lucy on a semi-regular basis, which is beyond impressive. Anakin becomes Darth Vader, which is balls-awesome, but in the prequels we find out that people actually call him Annie. Annie? They call him Annie. Darth Vader. Annie. Dear God. I guess I would have turned to the dark side, too. Tough break, Annie, but you lose, sir. Good day, sir. Winner: Rerun

The Little Red Haired Girl vs. The Force - Both Luke and Charlie Brown desire to be one with these things, yet you never see them. The Force is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. And if you study it for a lifetime, never love, do handstands in swamps and master it at its highest and most esoteric levels, you can use it to repetetively knock down goofy-looking robots in the Prequels. Uh, yeah, that was worth it. Wait, I can shoot lightning at people by using the Dark Side instead? Sold. Oh, and by the way, even though they've never shown her, I know who The Little Red Haired Girl actually is. It's close, but I'm going with the Force on this one. One of my guidelines is to never choose a woman over a Zen-like mystical doo-dad that keeps the universe from falling apart. Unless that woman is Angelina Jolie. Winner: The Force



That's it! It's over! The First cataclysmic battle in the Nostalgia Wars is finally complete.* I wish we could go on forever, believe me.** Time to total up the individual match-ups and see who won. Before we do, I assure you I took each one of these contests on their own merit and had no idea which side won until my wife and I tallied them up at the end (yes, I needed my wife's help to do simple math. Go to hell). I had no rooting interest as I love both of them equally***. And the winner, by an eight to six margin is...





And there we have it! I guess we've learned some pretty valuable lessons today, like franchises with "War" in the title are pretty good at war. Plus, never bet against a rapping Wookie.


Coming soon to Nostagia Wars... Scooby Doo vs. The Iliad!!!



Footnotes:

*I was dying to simulate a battle involving Boba Fett. Didn't happen. There's just no equivalent in the Peanuts universe for a badass bounty hunter who rocks your world until he's killed off in the first ten minutes of the next film for the sake of a impossibly lame burp joke.

I would have also enjoyed a match-up between anyone and Salacious Crumb, the hideous muppet that shacks up with Jabba the Hutt and laughs mockingly at the failings of others. Personally, I think he should immediately be given a shot as guest-judge on American Idol.


**Bonus battles!!!

X-Wing vs. Snoopy's Doghouse - Snow cones ftw! Winner: Snoopy's Doghouse









Jar Jar Binks vs. Anything, And I Mean Anything At All - Winner: Hint: It's not Jar Jar




George Lucas' Massively Overinflated Ego Systematically making Star Wars Less Cool With Every Move He Makes vs. Charles Shultz's Astonishingly Unfunny Late-Career Comic Strips - Winner: No one. Everyone should die young.


***Actually, I was rooting a little harder for Peanuts.

Nostradamus Is My Bitch

Predicting (in fantasy #5) that Anna Nicole Smith would die soon of an overdose wasn't exactly betting the longest shot on the board in Vegas, but goddamn.

Love, Love Me Do Drop Dead

Sir Paul McCartney is the Avatar of Male Romantic Love. Paul and Linda McCartney were married for nearly 30 years, and spent a grand total of about a 24 hours apart from each other during the entire time. He wrote and sang songs with lyrics like:

I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day

Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine

Then we lie beneath a shady tree
I love her and she's loving me
She feels good, she know she's looking fine
I'm so proud to know that she is mine*

This is a man assured in his masculinity. If Eminem tried to rap something like this he'd spend the rest of the weekend plowing through every groupie in the greater Detroit metropolitan area just to prove to himself he's still a man. "Good Day Sunshine" represents to me who Paul is and what he believes in: simple, pure, romantic love that transcends irony and fear. She's good, he's good, the sunshine's good and so is life.

Not to be mean, but I want Heather Mills McCartney to lose her other leg, then die of dehydration while trying to find it.

Full Disclosure: I don't know Mrs. McCartney personally. I do know that Paul's children all despised her from the jump and publicly fretted that she was after their Dad's money. When Mrs. McCartney was confronted with this before she married Paul, her reply was essentially, "If I wanted to marry a man for his money, there are other more wealthy men I could go after". First of all... huh? Paul is a billionaire, sister, and unless you're looking to cozy up to Sam Walton's corpse there really aren't that many of them lying around unattached. Secondly, the proper response to the "You're an opportunistic slut" accusation is to declare your undying love, not start a comparison/contrast debate about the size of his bank account. These were some giant red flags before the marriage, but there was no way to know how it would turn out. You had to give Paul the benefit of the doubt based on his ability to pick wives in the past.

And that's what this is all about, really: the benefit of the doubt. I don't know Paul either, but after being married to the same woman for 29 years and earnestly singing, "My Love", "Got To Get You Into My Life", "I Want To Hold Your Hand", "Love Me Do", "All My Loving", "And I Love Her", "Loving Your Love", "Me Love You Long Time" and who could forget "Love Love Love Love Love Love and did I mention Love", he's made an impression on me as kind've a loving person. She's made an impression as a money-grubbing whore.


I've known Paul since my childhood. Some of my earliest memories are of dancing around my living room with my Mom to a worn 8-track tape of Abbey Road. Paul is the kindly, smiling uncle of my imagination. For me, this episode has been like watching her marry Mr. Rogers, divorce him, then get half of the Kingdom of Make Believe, use of the Trolley on weekends and joint custody of Henrietta Pussycat.

Paul didn't go with a pre-nup. He said it wasn't romantic. Because of this, Mrs. McCartney is never going to have to work again. She's going to be awarded piles of money and property. She'll get a fortune, but she'll never have Paul's most precious possessions: self-respect, public adoration, two legs and a loving soul. Is this a fair assessment of the situation and Mrs. McCartney's character? No idea. But Paul's got the benefit of the doubt, and this is the Internet. Case closed.

Her next move? I hear Eminem's available.



Footnote:

*Yes, it's stuck in my head now, too.

Gridiron Vengeance

The AFC and NFC Championship games are scheduled for this Sunday in the National Football League. Only four teams remain in the quest for the Super Bowl, so instead of breaking down each game in an in-depth NFL preview, I thought this week we'd answer the real question on every football fan's mind: If The Avengers* played professional football, what positions would they play? Here's the scouting report:

Quarterback: Captain America. A natural leader with above-average arm strength. Able to systematically break down defenses. He's also a PR dream come true. Two big questions remain: Can he grip the football effectively in a two-hand grasp while holding his shield? Also, watch out if the NFL goes through with its plan to begin random-testing its players for Super-Soldier Serum. Cap has not helped his case by saying that he's "not here to talk about the past", then going on to lecture about how inexpensive everything was back in the 40's.

Running Back: Black Panther (with Jarvis, at right). King T'Challa of Wakanda was a late fourth-round pick, but he has proven a lot of scouts wrong with his gutty play and quick cuts in the lane. Early on it appeared ego might have been a problem, but his team-mates have grown accustomed to calling him "Your Majesty". Very devoted fan base. Dislikes: Artificial turf, whitey.

Tight End: Iron Man. Is there anything this guy can't do? Strong and tough but also with a good deal of range. Flies down the field for the big play. Can he block? Are you kidding? They call them "repulsor rays" for a reason, baby. Picked up his fourth DUI early in the season, blamed the media, superheroes, Jews and Captain America.

Left Tackle: Thor. Are you sacking the quarterback on this guy's watch? I say thee nay! He brings his patented move "The Hammer" down on any defensive linemen who try to beat him around the outside. Coachable, but he believes he's a living God, and his posse isn't helping (his brother, especially).

Quarterback (backup): Hawkeye. Desperately needs a trade. His accuracy is uncanny, but he's buried on the bench behind the most popular player in the league. A bit too fond of trick plays. Currently on parole.

Wide Receiver: Quicksilver. Big Play Pietro (alternate nickname: "Surly Prick Pietro") can break open a game at any time. His concentration is questionable and hands are below average, but the speed! Remember Black Panther's ego issues you thought you might be dealing with? You've got them times 10 with this guy. Expect a contract holdout every year for more money and outlandish perks. Is he worth it? Speed kills, baby...

Left Tackle (backup): Wonder Man. Maybe if Thor gets hurt... hahahahaha, just kidding. Williams! More Gatorade over here!

Free Safety: The Vision. You're coming over the middle on a crossing route, you reach up for the high, arcing pass, the ball grazes the tips of your fingers and you've just about made the catch... BOOM! Aw no you didn't! The Vision done blowed you up (Note: The Vision is slang-free)!!! His smooth moves and machine-like precision enable him to play at peak efficiency at all times. Light as a feather on his feet in coverage but like a rock on the tackles. Contract demands: Redheads, sunlight.

Defensive Tackle: Giant-Man. This one can plug the gaps. Do yourself a favor and abandon running up the middle early with him in the trenches. Tested positive for steroids twice. He's also schizophrenic and a convicted wife-beater. In other words, your typical defensive lineman.

Outside Linebacker: The Hulk. Who's going to show up this week? The meek, mild-mannered wuss who can't tackle, or the rage-fueled monster who eats offenses for breakfast? Despises the media who he claims "Won't leave Hulk alone". Coach-killer. He's got a rap sheet a mile long, but the upside! Loaded with ability but desperately needs it to be harnessed. Perhaps a young female coach like Betty Ross could maximize his talent? Female coach. Oh, God that was a funny one. Oh, my sides.

Cheerleaders: The Scarlet Witch and The Wasp. There's a no-fraternization rule between players and cheerleaders but these two think of it more as a guideline. The Scarlet Witch is a gypsy shaking it for a paycheck, while The Wasp is a poor little rich girl who shakes it 'cause she can't help it. Think Paris Hilton but brunette, a half-inch tall and not quite as much of a whore.



Footnote:

* What positions would the Justice League play? Glad you asked:

• Quarterback: Superman
• Running Back: The Atom
  
• Wide Receiver: The Flash
• Tight End: Green Lantern
  
• Cornerback: Batman
• Middle Linebacker: Martian Manhunter
  
• Cheerleaders: Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, Black Canary and Zatanna. Just a murderer's row. Good god, the fishnets alone! Is it hot in here?
  
• Waterboy: Aquaman

The big question, of course, is who would win in a football game between The Avengers and The Justice League. Such a question is a matter of cosmic import! It's a conundrum far too puzzling and enigmatic to be contained in a mere single footnote, faithful readers!**



Footnote to the footnote:

** The Justice League.