Thursday, January 18, 2007

Gridiron Vengeance

The AFC and NFC Championship games are scheduled for this Sunday in the National Football League. Only four teams remain in the quest for the Super Bowl, so instead of breaking down each game in an in-depth NFL preview, I thought this week we'd answer the real question on every football fan's mind: If The Avengers* played professional football, what positions would they play? Here's the scouting report:

Quarterback: Captain America. A natural leader with above-average arm strength. Able to systematically break down defenses. He's also a PR dream come true. Two big questions remain: Can he grip the football effectively in a two-hand grasp while holding his shield? Also, watch out if the NFL goes through with its plan to begin random-testing its players for Super-Soldier Serum. Cap has not helped his case by saying that he's "not here to talk about the past", then going on to lecture about how inexpensive everything was back in the 40's.

Running Back: Black Panther (with Jarvis, at right). King T'Challa of Wakanda was a late fourth-round pick, but he has proven a lot of scouts wrong with his gutty play and quick cuts in the lane. Early on it appeared ego might have been a problem, but his team-mates have grown accustomed to calling him "Your Majesty". Very devoted fan base. Dislikes: Artificial turf, whitey.

Tight End: Iron Man. Is there anything this guy can't do? Strong and tough but also with a good deal of range. Flies down the field for the big play. Can he block? Are you kidding? They call them "repulsor rays" for a reason, baby. Picked up his fourth DUI early in the season, blamed the media, superheroes, Jews and Captain America.

Left Tackle: Thor. Are you sacking the quarterback on this guy's watch? I say thee nay! He brings his patented move "The Hammer" down on any defensive linemen who try to beat him around the outside. Coachable, but he believes he's a living God, and his posse isn't helping (his brother, especially).

Quarterback (backup): Hawkeye. Desperately needs a trade. His accuracy is uncanny, but he's buried on the bench behind the most popular player in the league. A bit too fond of trick plays. Currently on parole.

Wide Receiver: Quicksilver. Big Play Pietro (alternate nickname: "Surly Prick Pietro") can break open a game at any time. His concentration is questionable and hands are below average, but the speed! Remember Black Panther's ego issues you thought you might be dealing with? You've got them times 10 with this guy. Expect a contract holdout every year for more money and outlandish perks. Is he worth it? Speed kills, baby...

Left Tackle (backup): Wonder Man. Maybe if Thor gets hurt... hahahahaha, just kidding. Williams! More Gatorade over here!

Free Safety: The Vision. You're coming over the middle on a crossing route, you reach up for the high, arcing pass, the ball grazes the tips of your fingers and you've just about made the catch... BOOM! Aw no you didn't! The Vision done blowed you up (Note: The Vision is slang-free)!!! His smooth moves and machine-like precision enable him to play at peak efficiency at all times. Light as a feather on his feet in coverage but like a rock on the tackles. Contract demands: Redheads, sunlight.

Defensive Tackle: Giant-Man. This one can plug the gaps. Do yourself a favor and abandon running up the middle early with him in the trenches. Tested positive for steroids twice. He's also schizophrenic and a convicted wife-beater. In other words, your typical defensive lineman.

Outside Linebacker: The Hulk. Who's going to show up this week? The meek, mild-mannered wuss who can't tackle, or the rage-fueled monster who eats offenses for breakfast? Despises the media who he claims "Won't leave Hulk alone". Coach-killer. He's got a rap sheet a mile long, but the upside! Loaded with ability but desperately needs it to be harnessed. Perhaps a young female coach like Betty Ross could maximize his talent? Female coach. Oh, God that was a funny one. Oh, my sides.

Cheerleaders: The Scarlet Witch and The Wasp. There's a no-fraternization rule between players and cheerleaders but these two think of it more as a guideline. The Scarlet Witch is a gypsy shaking it for a paycheck, while The Wasp is a poor little rich girl who shakes it 'cause she can't help it. Think Paris Hilton but brunette, a half-inch tall and not quite as much of a whore.


* What positions would the Justice League play? Glad you asked:
  • Quarterback: Superman
  • Running Back: The Atom
  • Wide Receiver: The Flash
  • Tight End: Green Lantern
  • Cornerback: Batman
  • Middle Linebacker: Martian Manhunter
  • Cheerleaders: Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, Black Canary and Zatanna. Just a murderer's row. Good god, the fishnets alone! Is it hot in here?
  • Waterboy: Aquaman
The big question, of course, is who would win in a football game between The Avengers and The Justice League. Such a question is a matter of cosmic import! It's a conundrum far too puzzling and enigmatic to be contained in a mere single footnote, faithful readers!**

Footnote to the footnote:

** The Justice League.

1 comment:

Andrew Bernier said...

I followed one of your tangents and watched white guys dancing. Great stuff. The Fat Rebel was my favorite.