Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Love, Love Me Do Drop Dead

Sir Paul McCartney is the Avatar of Male Romantic Love. Paul and Linda McCartney were married for nearly 30 years, and spent a grand total of about a 24 hours apart from each other during the entire time. He wrote and sang songs with lyrics like:

I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day

Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine

Then we lie beneath a shady tree
I love her and she's loving me
She feels good, she know she's looking fine
I'm so proud to know that she is mine*

This is a man assured in his masculinity. If Eminem tried to rap something like this he'd spend the rest of the weekend plowing through every groupie in the greater Detroit metropolitan area just to prove to himself he's still a man. "Good Day Sunshine" represents to me who Paul is and what he believes in: simple, pure, romantic love that transcends irony and fear. She's good, he's good, the sunshine's good and so is life.

Not to be mean, but I want Heather Mills McCartney to lose her other leg, then die of dehydration while trying to find it.

Full Disclosure: I don't know Mrs. McCartney personally. I do know that Paul's children all despised her from the jump and publicly fretted that she was after their Dad's money. When Mrs. McCartney was confronted with this before she married Paul, her reply was essentially, "If I wanted to marry a man for his money, there are other more wealthy men I could go after". First of all... huh? Paul is a billionaire, sister, and unless you're looking to cozy up to Sam Walton's corpse there really aren't that many of them lying around unattached. Secondly, the proper response to the "You're an opportunistic slut" accusation is to declare your undying love, not start a comparison/contrast debate about the size of his bank account. These were some giant red flags before the marriage, but there was no way to know how it would turn out. You had to give Paul the benefit of the doubt based on his ability to pick wives in the past.

And that's what this is all about, really: the benefit of the doubt. I don't know Paul either, but after being married to the same woman for 29 years and earnestly singing, "My Love", "Got To Get You Into My Life", "I Want To Hold Your Hand", "Love Me Do", "All My Loving", "And I Love Her", "Loving Your Love", "Me Love You Long Time" and who could forget "Love Love Love Love Love Love and did I mention Love", he's made an impression on me as kind've a loving person. She's made an impression as a money-grubbing whore.

I've known Paul since my childhood. Some of my earliest memories are of dancing around my living room with my Mom to a worn 8-track tape of Abbey Road. Paul is the kindly, smiling uncle of my imagination. For me, this episode has been like watching her marry Mr. Rogers, divorce him, then get half of the Kingdom of Make Believe, use of the Trolley on weekends and joint custody of Henrietta Pussycat.

Paul didn't go with a pre-nup. He said it wasn't romantic. Because of this, Mrs. McCartney is never going to have to work again. She's going to be awarded piles of money and property. She'll get a fortune, but she'll never have Paul's most precious possessions: self-respect, public adoration, two legs and a loving soul. Is this a fair assessment of the situation and Mrs. McCartney's character? No idea. But Paul's got the benefit of the doubt, and this is the Internet. Case closed.

Her next move? I hear Eminem's available.


*Yes, it's stuck in my head now, too.

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